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[21 Dec 2005|09:51pm] |
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MYNX |
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Winter break is boring!
( three more days )
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| 157 |
[10 Dec 2005|04:34pm] |
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bored |
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music |
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polyphonic spree |
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If anyone would like a Christmas card comment with your name & address!!(comments will be screened)
( emphasis on wish )
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| 156 |
[04 Dec 2005|12:51pm] |
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plain white t's |
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see the heart on the wall? :]
Opening my lunch to find a love letter adorned in construction paper hearts and cheap craft glitter. Encouraging words that spilled off the page and seeped into my brain where I would tuck them away for later reference. A tough math problem, playground trouble, everything. Eventually the letters stopped coming and all that filled my crumpled lunch sack labeled "Kris" was a sloppily prepared peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bruised apple and a juice box. I would watch as everyone else's lunch boxes oozed parental love, their canvas faces painted with food that I knew would be non-existent if their mothers were there. That saliva covered thumb lovingly wiping away all that mess. I wanted that, I wouldn't squirm. Finally I started to write myself letters. Telling me not to be afraid, that "homework really isn't all that bad" assuring me that I wouldn't get lost in the monstrous halls and confusing numbering system of middle school classrooms. That "High school isn't all that bad." and "you'll do great- you can do anything you set your mind to." They've never been the same as the ones signed "Love Always, Mom." And I think this new sender might be a liar. Or maybe a little misinformed. Soon I'll stop signing them; soon I'll stop writing them. But I don't think I will ever stop believing in myself. I've got a purpose. I know this for certain. I love you Mom. I don't know where things went wrong. I used to blame myself. I used to ask myself why I couldn't be good enough for you. I did well in school, I did well in sports, and I tried to be everything that I thought that you wanted. I haven't blamed myself for three years. And I won't ever again. I've been healthy for three whole years. I refuse to be unhealthy again. But you are sick. And I am so sorry for all of your pain and your hurt and the anger that you feel. I wish that I could take that all away. I wish that I could go back and make sure that no one ever hurt you, or broke you or made you feel the way you do. I hope that you do everything right with this new baby. I hope you treat it nice and tell it nice things and I hope it makes you feel proud. Just don't forget that I love you. You can push and push and push but I'm not going anywhere. The harder you push the more I will love you. And you know this. You don't need to test my love. Everything will be okay, life is going to be alright because life is beautiful and so are you under all of that flesh and pain and scars. I know its there- I see it sometimes. And those times when you laugh at my jokes or smile at me or lightly touch my back when I've done something worthy of recognition make everything worth while. Everything's going to be alright. I'm not leaving you.
( +7 )
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| 155 |
[17 Nov 2005|07:12pm] |
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I make a lot of "to-do" lists. And I never do them. I guess I should start titling the lists "To Not Do List" or like "To Want To Do But Won't Do List". I'm not typically a very productive person. I had something important to say I think. But I forgot. I didn't really forget. That's a lie. Coughing so hard you pee pee your pants pretty much rules. Shower time.
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| 154 |
[13 Nov 2005|11:53am] |
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red shirt brigade |
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It's times like this when I wish the earth really was flat so that I could just fall off the edge. Plus, outer space seems hecka cool. I can't write right, right now. Or period. I've realized that I really hate Tuesdays. Nothing good has ever happened to me on a Tuesday. We should just skip Tuesday's all together. Also, when people say "Tuesday" like "Twos-dee" it's like finger nails on a chalkboard. Sorry if I offended anyone who says Tuesday in that fashion but I really just can't handle it. My government teacher reminds me of a wild boar. I like to watch him eat. Only I don't really. It's like a car accident or something. You don't want to look at something so disturbing but you have to. And he is always talking about his girlfriends and it makes me wonder what his orgasm face looks like. I think about it all the time. And I want to see it really badly and I don't think I will ever be satisfied with my life if I don't because...well I don't know why. I bet he grunts too. I'm making myself sick.
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| 152 |
[30 Oct 2005|12:49pm] |
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of montreal |
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Last night ruled beyond belief. &&& TOMORROW IS HALLOWEEEENNNN. ( pictures )
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| 151 |
[26 Oct 2005|06:28pm] |
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"What's this song about?" you ask. Passing through green,slowing for yellow, stopping for red. White and yellow lines that I hope never stop. The street looks like it goes on forever into nothingness but I'm not scared because you are here. You turn the volume down to hear my reply "It's about love and heartache." I search your face that's focused on the road for some sort of reaction. Nothing,oblivion. You have no idea what I am talking about. But I can see in your eyes that you want to so bad.
Last night Brandon picked me up and we drove down to Hot Monkey Love Cafe for Open Mic Night to see Leanna and Gus play. It was probably one of the best nights of my life and we didn't do much of anything exciting. I just enjoyed it. It was wonderful. Today however, didn't quite measure up. I basically had a melt down over being stressed about school but Ms. Logan is essentially taking charge of my life and being my mom and making sure that I don't waste away or become drowned with academic bullshit. It felt good to have her hold me and for her to wipe my tears away with her cardigan sweater, to smell her comforting Logan smell and for her to tell me how wonderful I am. That must be how it feels when mom's show affection. I'm just assuming. I have in school suspension tomorrow for not serving a detention I never knew I had. SWEEEEEEEET. I need to take a chill pill d00d3. But I'm happy as usual.
( Jenn's Sweet Sixteen )
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| 150 |
[24 Oct 2005|06:02pm] |
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death cab for cutie |
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Saturday:
-Jenn's birthday[night time hide & seek up at the school w/ glow sticks, scary stories, smores, dancing, sitting on roof talking until 5 am, hitting on her dad]
Sunday:
-Stina, Tasha, Brandon, Barrett hangage[lazer tag, spidey stomp, smoothies, slug bug!,tweeter!
^-^]
Today was a good day. I just got back from a walk, it's all rainy and cold outside and I'm totally digging it. I ate lunch with Brandon and it was really nice. We talked about all sorts of things. I'm going to eat lunch with him more often. He said I'm his best friend. I've had this stupid smile on my face since then. I have so much homework to do that is really crucial but I won't do it. My procrastination is getting out of hand.
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| 147 |
[09 Oct 2005|03:57pm] |
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queen |
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I cut my hair. Note the drug test on the window sill and the pantyliners on the counter. :/ Awesome.
Haunted trail was the bomb. I never get scared so this was awesome. One of the guys with the chainsaws chased me out of the haunted trail and continued chasing me until I couldn't run anymore so I fell to the ground and curled up into a fetal position. Even then he stuck around, the smell of gasoline burning my nose and the humming of the chainsaw right next to my ear. Eventually I started bawling and everyone made him apologize to me. He was really nice and said a lot of people shit their pants and I was a real trooper only going number one.
( HAUNTED TRAIL MAYHEM )
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| 145 |
[03 Oct 2005|03:16pm] |
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dinosaur jr |
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Journalism is putting on an interpretive dance for the fall assembly on Friday. Guess who gets to choreograph that bad boy. I'm going to make everyone tap dance to Barbie Girl while holding our latest issue or something super cool like that. Stina and I went on a date last night and saw Just Like Heaven. Movies like that make me kind of lonely but Kristina held my hand and touched my privates so that feeling didn't last long. ( SCHOOL IS COOL )
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| 144 |
[28 Sep 2005|05:49pm] |
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anxious |
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mindless self indulgence |
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I've found out what I want to do with my life and I'm not kidding or being sarcastic( ... )
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| 143 |
[22 Sep 2005|06:30pm] |
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c & c music factory [everybody dance now!]haha |
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Don't be intimidated by my good looks and charm, I'm real friendly. Annnd I look like I have a bowl cut. HA! School is pretty much giving me a brutal ass kicking. It doesn't help that I'm late and miss first period frequently either. I went to the orthodontist today for the first time since I got my braces off and my flame for Dr. Rothstien was re-ignited.
Think Rick Moranis but thinner and taller. I'm creepy, but he's just so cute and I want to have a total statutory rape type thing. I started my period yesterday[which explains my moods lately] and all we had at my house were my mom's giant harpoon tampons and today was just a complete painful nightmare full of people telling me my boyfriend must have a small weiner,okay so it was only Dan [it's okay panflow bebe]Uhhhhhh...Kyle let me borrow Brighton Rock and it is fantastic so far. I LITERALLY CANNOT PUT IT DOWN SO IT IS LITERALLY IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow = bike ride to park and picnic with my bffz. Saturday = Sean's partay with Valerie and Michelle. Sunday = ASHLEYSIMPSON OMGZ CONCERT AT HOUSE OF BLUES with Katlyn,Amber and my sister. Free tickets to anything are always gratefully accepted.
Life is great.
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| 141 |
[18 Sep 2005|06:29pm] |
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the starting line |
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( sawweeeeet )
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| 138 |
[08 Sep 2005|05:38pm] |
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mood |
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everything that is hecka good |
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music |
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fall out boy[haha] |
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Today is my 17th birthday. I've been really excited about this birthday for whatever reason, I'm sure I've been really annoying and bratty and demanding too. So sorry to everyone who has been on the recieving end of that. I got a beach cruiser from my parents last night. It is pretty much the coolest thing I have ever seen. I rode it around the parking lot at the bike shop until my dad made me load it in the car.
( CAUTION:CONTENTS MAY BE HOT )
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| 136 |
[04 Sep 2005|05:26pm] |
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tired |
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the postal service |
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When we were going through security at Disneyland the people in front of us had an enormous steak knife in their backpack. For what? I couldn't tell you, maybe they were afraid Pizza Port would run out of silverware or something. Today I just didn't show up to work, and I won't be showing up ever again. I'm stickin' it to the man. I'm already sick of my mom being pregnant. Everyone is buying her presents and helping her lift stuff and she's fully capable. Or maybe she just nags too much and won't shut the fuck up about me taking shower and I'm being a unborn baby h8er. What does it matter to her that I smell like shit and I'm greasy as hell?
( DISNEYLAND PICTURES YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! )
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| 135 |
[02 Sep 2005|05:12pm] |
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sore |
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glassjaw |
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( ouch )
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| 134 |
[01 Sep 2005|07:28pm] |
Whatever sleep I was getting before has been eliminated. I can't get Hurricane Katrina out of my head. Every second those images are spinning around in there, wrapping themselves around my thoughts. I get so angry when we have class discussions about it and then resume our regular bullshit like it doesn't matter. "That is sooooo sad...anyway, so does anyone watch America's Next Top Model?" Shut up. "We can turn Louisiana into a water park now." Just shut up. Nobody cares about anything unless it affects them directly. As much as I love so many things in this world it is all turning to shit. Oil, global warming, nobody cares. We care when gas prices are sky rocketing and we can't afford to feed our seething,monstrous and unnecessary suv's. "But of course when terrorists crash into a building and cause millions of dollars LESS in damage, EVERYONE cares." Thank you Kyle Hoffman. I'm afraid for the future, I'm always afraid for the future. Not for my future but for everyone to come after me. And it is an honest consideration of mine to never procreate. There is always something I am freaking out about, please freak out about things too. There is life outside of livejournal, and your house, and your town, and your state, and your country.
Journalism has started a Hurricane Relief fund. Sending can goods is just ridiculous, they don't have anything, let alone a can opener. So for everyone who goes to El Cap I will personally be going around to all of your fourth period classes to talk to you about it. Just keep your eyes and ears open and donate whatever money you can. All proceeds will be mailed to the Red Cross weekly. As for the rest of you, you should be doing something to help too.
here is a list of organizations/agencies Supporting Hurricane Katrina relief efforts:
http://www.microsoft.com/mscorp/citizenship/giving/agencies.asp
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rewindthatback's journal
